For everyone who feels like telling jokes (in English)....

L

landmiles

New Member
Hmm... It might be a better idea to kick off a Jokes thread, since we were polluting the "For everyone who feels like speaking English...."-topic a bit. Sorry for that, but I still love telling jokes!

So, let it be like this, I'll tell you a joke and anyone coming up with a joke, in some way connected to the previous, will be next. I'll just hook onto the last court joke from Scuch...:

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court". These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son--the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: and, before the accident?
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or a cult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
 
Heh this topic reminded me of something I read somehwere else. These are literal translation from the Dutch into English. I liked them alot, but I bet you have to be dutch (or at least speak dutch fluently) to like it. Feel free to add your own sayings/expressions:

'There comes the monkey out of the sleeve'
'Make that the cat smart'
'Who a says, must say b' (pronounce 'b' as the dutch 'b' (pronounced as 'bay' for the english speaking people ;p)).
'Now breaks my wooden shoe'
'He is not good wise'
' if there goes one sheep passed the dam, there will follow more'
'it looks like nowhere'
(Zeg, ben je nou helemaal betoeterd?) = 'Say, are you now all the way tootered?!'
'And ready is Kees'
(ik heb het goed onder de knie) 'I''ve got it good under the knee'
'Are you now totally pulled off the pot?'
'His teeth let show'
'All crazyness on a little stick'
'You hit the plank completely mis'
'Break my the mouth not open'
'waving with all the farts'
'now drops my pants on the floor'
'Giving him a cookie of his own dough'
 
For more on that you should read the book "I always get my sin". You can buy it in NL and it's really funny. It's full of these things:

I would like to thank you from the bottom of my hart, ans also from my wifes bottom.

How do you do? And how do you do your wife?

:-D :-D :-D
 
There is also a book called: The Undutchables, Un observation of the Netherlands.


I fuck dogs, zei ooit een nederlandse hondenfokster.

It is written bij 2 english writers and their vision of the Dutch, hilarious!
 
'Please thank your cock for the lovely dinner' 

'I am director of this company and just starting my first period' (of zoiets).



( both from "I always get my sin", with extra special thanks to Bekstra)
 
We'd have to look at the incredible John O'Mill as well, with his lovely poems in Dutch and Double Dutch. Some here:

An embittered old man from Zundert
is convinced that Mother Nature has blundered
in this angry man's eyes
half the world's not good wise
and the rest is hard sticker bethundered


In Connecticut
in de waterput
verdronk mijn Tante Eefje

Nog jaren later
dronk mijn oom het water
uitsluitend uit een zeefje


A terrible infant called Peter
Sprinkeled his bed with a geeter
His father got whoost
took hold of a cnoost
and gave him a pack on his meter


Een autorijder from Bombay
was iemand die alles zo domday
dat al het verkeer
bij 't zien van de heer
het liefste bij Eindhoven omray


[quote author=Lin link=topic=3790.msg45967#msg45967 date=1138763459]
I fuck dogs, zei ooit een nederlandse hondenfokster.[/quote]
Variant: I fok horses. -Pardon?!? -Yes!! Paarden!
 
Thank you, Thank you Landmiles!!!!  "From the bottom of my heart & the bottom of my mother-in-law ":-D :-D On our way to Rainbow Beach last week we were trying to think of his name.....John O'Mill!!!! That's him!

Ta!
Syl
 
TROUWDAG

'December de 21ste'?
'Hoe heb je dat zo bedacht'?
Ze bloosde lieftallig en fluisterde:
'Dat is toch de langste nacht'?


When men smake: "Please !"
Girls, pack your bees
't Is never too late
to poots the plate.


An old man in southern Kentucky
was sleepy and made a cline tucky
His wife - by the hand - said: 'Wake up, suffert, and dry the dishes to help me a stucky


DRENTS ADRIFT

A hot-heated Drent in Ter Apel
who always ran to hard from staple
forsplintered his plate
when the waitres was late
and gave her a lell with the laple.


A sailor, by storm and by thunder
fell plat on his beck in 't fore-under.
He broke all his teeth
now he'll never say 'chees',
when a foto is taken - poor donder!


Mijn lieve tante Antoinet
gaat met een lineaal naar bed
om 's ochtends bij het eerste gapen
te zien hoe lang ze heeft geslapen


Jantje zag eens pruimen hangen,
Oh, als eieren zo groot;
De tuinman zag zijn bolle wangen
Sloeg de vuile gapper dood
 
[quote author=Lin link=topic=3790.msg45967#msg45967 date=1138763459]
I fuck dogs, zei ooit een nederlandse hondenfokster.
[/quote]

Een variant daarop (ik dacht van Hans Teeuwen):
"I fuck horses"
"Pardon?"
"Yes, paarden"
 
:-D :-D Kan het niet laten om te zeggen: Doe het goed, of doe het niet! :-D :-D :up:
 
Zo heeft de moeder van Annemiek aan een Amerikaan, toen deze bij hun op bezoek was het volgende gevraagd:

How do you want your coffee? Black or zwart?

:lol: :lol:
 
So you’ve hired an Australian
by Gregor Stronach


Hello! If you’re reading this, then there’s a good chance that someone who cares about you is trying to tell you something very important – that you’ve hired an Australian. Now, before you panic and run screaming into the night, stop and assess the situation, safe in the knowledge that even though you might have unwittingly given an Australian a job, it’s not the end of the world.

Australians are a strange people. Basically very lazy with a poor attitude to authority, they don’t cope well with being told what to do. Which means your job, as a manager, could be about to get very difficult indeed.

But having hired an Australian is nothing to be ashamed of – people do it all the time, all over the world, often without realising it.


How do I tell if there’s an Australian in the office?
It’s pretty simple, really. Anyone who says ‘G’day mate’ a lot is probably an Australian. A wide hat with corks on strings around the brim is another. Oh, they’ll tell you it’s to keep the flies away, but in reality it’s a secret method for Australians, or “Aussies” (pronounced “Ozzees”) as they call themselves, to brag to their mates about how much they’ve been drinking. Because they’re all hopeless alcoholics.

Another sure-fire sign is missing office equipment. It’s a well-documented fact that Australians are all direct descendants of 17th Century Britain’s unwanted petty criminals. So while they’re unlikely to murder or rape the rest of the office staff, they’ll steal the milk out of your latte given half a chance.

Of course, it’s likely that anyone you catch sleeping on the job is Australian too – their laissez-faire outlook on working life is obvious from their willingness to work very, very hard on any project that isn’t directly related to their job, but only on the employer’s time.

It’s also a uniquely Australian thing, we’re told, should one need to go to the toilet during lunch, that they’ll wait – often to the point of endangering their lives and/or underpants – preferring to use the bathroom on the company’s time, rather than their own.

But what can I do? I’m just one person!
That’s what everyone says at first, but unless you want your office inundated by khaki-clad weirdos who like to wrestle pre-historic beasts while waist-deep in murky water, you need to act fast and nip the infestation of Aussies in the bud.

It’s a well-documented fact that Australians don’t like certain things, warm beer being principle among them. People who don’t eat meat for every meal (including morning tea) tend to aggravate them, as do people with skin darker than their own – Aussies are surprisingly racist when the opportunity presents itself.

So hire a Buddhist tea lady from Sri Lanka who serves warm beer to anyone suspected of being an Australian and judge the results for yourself. A true Aussie will be out of the office and ‘down the pub for a quick one’ before 10:30am. Then it’s a simple case of changing the locks, and getting on with your day.

You might like to try making them feel at ease before you try this tactic, as an ill-prepared Australian is more likely to jump out the window than leave by the door when faced with something they don’t like. So practice the following phrase until you’re sure you’ve got the accent just right.

“A dingo’s got my baby!”

The following pronunciation key will help:

“Ah deen-goes got moy bay bee”

This is a fairly standard greeting between Australians, and you’ll know when you’ve got the pronunciation right, because they’ll laugh themselves sick and shout the same greeting back at you twenty or thirty times. It never fails.

Tactics for ridding you of your Australian
You’ll need to be careful here – tactics that you might consider ‘normal’ for getting someone out of your life simply don’t work on Australians. Insults don’t work because they’re too thick-skinned. “Hey Fuckwit” is often heard being used by children as a way of getting their mother’s attention.
Likewise, filling the office space with venomous creatures won’t work either – the Australian landscape is full to the brim with insects, arachnids and reptiles that are at least 100 times more poisonous and 1000 times more common than anything you could possibly find.
The only thing they seem to be afraid of is sharks, but keeping one alive in an office environment can be tricky. Good luck!

When all else fails, a terse letter can help, provided it’s written out phonetically, or simply hire a New Zealander or English person who likes to talk about the cricket. The Kiwi will invariably be violently assaulted within the first ten minutes of any conversation, the Englishman within the first twenty. Then it’s a simple matter of slapping the Aussie in leg irons and popping them on a leaky boat to a faraway island.

Australians call this pastime “cruising”, and they like it a surprising amount. So much so that they can be easily fooled into thinking it’s a holiday (vacation) – which brings us to the best way to rid yourself of an Australian, should all else fail.

“Dear Worker,

It has been brought to our attention that your broad, nasal accent is upsetting some of the other staff. Hence, we’ve decided that the best possible thing to do is to help you broaden your horizons a little.

So – you’ve got a choice: you can either agree to undergo re-training and re-skilling so that we can put you to work in the basement parking cars (provided you stop stealing everything out of the ashtrays) or you can take our 21-day company-funded one-way cruise to Pitcairn Island, where you’ll be surrounded by the vast expanses of the Pacific Ocean and all of your children will be sold into sex slavery by the community elders.

It’s a fairly straightforward choice – one which you have until the close of business today to make. Failure to inform us of your choice will result in the second option being chosen for you, and your forcible removal from the premises. In chains. Just the way you like it, you stinking convict.”
We trust that this has been helpful to you, and that your office will be clear of Australians within a matter of weeks, if not days. For further instructions on how to beat the Australian menace, refer to the rest of the pamphlets we have on offer.

Other pamphlets in this series include:
When Aussies talk: A guide to understanding ‘Strine’
How to eat Vegemite: looks like shit, tastes like sick.
 
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.

North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"
 
Short one then.

"Mummy you wouldn't read about it, I've got the biggest donger in our primary school."

"Yes son, but do remember.... you ARE the HEADMASTER!"
 
Continuing the school theme:

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
 
Why do kangaroos hate rainy days?

Because their children play inside. 



And another one:

How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

Sixteen. One to change the bulb and 15 to stand around saying, "Goodonya mate." 
 
Why dos a chicken crosses the road?

(Hier is een leuke voor diegene die zich australier voelen en de buurman de kiwi belachelijk wil maken.)
How goes the kiwi alfabet ?

And what is the difference between a woman and KFC,
what is the difference between a drugs dealer and a prostitute?.
Deze zijn wel leuk , maar misschien iets te grof , alvast mijn excuses hiervoor!

Anyone?

Groetjes Johan
 
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