For everyone who feels like telling jokes (in English)....
- Thread starter landmiles
- Start date
damhooligan
Member
Ja scutch , jij kent ze.......... 
The kiwi alfabet goes like ; DB A .
(als je m nie snapt wil ik m wel uitleggen) :-o
Enne, Do you now wich part of a livingroom has 3 legs????
GreetinX Johan
The kiwi alfabet goes like ; DB A .
(als je m nie snapt wil ik m wel uitleggen) :-o
Enne, Do you now wich part of a livingroom has 3 legs????
GreetinX Johan
Scutch
New Member
Johan, me no get :thinking:, please explain kiwi alphabet!!!
No idea which part of a living room has 3 legs, did a google and came up with this Feng Shui tip:
The three-legged frog with a coin in his mouth is for good fortune. Place it diagonally opposite the door under a table, or desk
Somehow I don't think this is the answer! :-D :-D
No idea which part of a living room has 3 legs, did a google and came up with this Feng Shui tip:
The three-legged frog with a coin in his mouth is for good fortune. Place it diagonally opposite the door under a table, or desk
Somehow I don't think this is the answer! :-D :-D
damhooligan
Member
Dit word lachen , (of niet)
De kiwi's hebben de gewoonte om na elk woord/zin A te zeggen , zoiets als wij eh of he zeggen na elk woord
En DB is het bier merk van de kiwi (zeg maar de tegenhanger van VB)
dus Snap je nu DB A ?????
EN nu komt de oplossing van
Wich part of a livingroom has 3 legs ,
:donttell: :donttell: :donttell: :donttell:
The Letter m. :wall:
Groetjes Johan
De kiwi's hebben de gewoonte om na elk woord/zin A te zeggen , zoiets als wij eh of he zeggen na elk woord
En DB is het bier merk van de kiwi (zeg maar de tegenhanger van VB)
dus Snap je nu DB A ?????
EN nu komt de oplossing van
Wich part of a livingroom has 3 legs ,
:donttell: :donttell: :donttell: :donttell:
The Letter m. :wall:
Groetjes Johan
Scutch
New Member
Thanks for the explanation Johan
Punishment Saudi Arabian Style
A Welshman, an Australian and an Englishman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.
The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Australian was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back.
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Englishman was next up. After watching the Australian in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Englishman was soon led away whimpering loudly.
The Welshman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Welshman replied."In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.
"Tie the Englishman to my back."
Punishment Saudi Arabian Style
A Welshman, an Australian and an Englishman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.
The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Australian was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back.
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Englishman was next up. After watching the Australian in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Englishman was soon led away whimpering loudly.
The Welshman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Welshman replied."In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.
"Tie the Englishman to my back."
BlizzardofOz
XPdite Sponsor
Ah - Aussies and Kiwi's, Scots and Pommies, Nederlanders en Duitsers... Always good for a joke!
The Euro English
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
The Euro English
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
BlizzardofOz
XPdite Sponsor
Ok - one more. Can't help myself...
Smart Women
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am", and he leaves.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Smart Women
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am", and he leaves.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
[quote author=BlizzardofOz link=topic=3790.msg47889#msg47889 date=1139889006]
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
[/quote]
That one is just too brilliant
[quote author=BlizzardofOz link=topic=3790.msg47889#msg47889 date=1139889006]
Ah - Aussies and Kiwi's, Scots and Pommies, Nederlanders en Duitsers... Always good for a joke!
[/quote]
It sure is.
A train is travelling through a mountainous landscape. In one compartment, a nun (of course), a gorgeous blonde (mandatory joke element), a Dutchman and a German sit together.
The train enters a tunnel, and for a few moments the compartment is dark. Coming out, the German rubs a sore, black eye.
Serves him well, the nun thinks, for sure that bastard tried to grope that innocent girl and she defended herself well!!
Serves him well, the blonde thinks, for sure that bastard tried to grope me, but in de dark he accidentally turned to the nun and she defended herself well!!
What the hell, the German thinks, for sure that Dutch bastard tried to grope that gorgeous girl and she defended herself well!! But in the dark, he must have dodged the blow I then received!
And the Duthman thinks, next tunnel coming I'll smack that Gerry again!!
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
[/quote]
That one is just too brilliant
[quote author=BlizzardofOz link=topic=3790.msg47889#msg47889 date=1139889006]
Ah - Aussies and Kiwi's, Scots and Pommies, Nederlanders en Duitsers... Always good for a joke!
[/quote]
It sure is.
A train is travelling through a mountainous landscape. In one compartment, a nun (of course), a gorgeous blonde (mandatory joke element), a Dutchman and a German sit together.
The train enters a tunnel, and for a few moments the compartment is dark. Coming out, the German rubs a sore, black eye.
Serves him well, the nun thinks, for sure that bastard tried to grope that innocent girl and she defended herself well!!
Serves him well, the blonde thinks, for sure that bastard tried to grope me, but in de dark he accidentally turned to the nun and she defended herself well!!
What the hell, the German thinks, for sure that Dutch bastard tried to grope that gorgeous girl and she defended herself well!! But in the dark, he must have dodged the blow I then received!
And the Duthman thinks, next tunnel coming I'll smack that Gerry again!!
Koengaroo
XPdite Sponsor
Ok you guys talked me into it.... be aware this one is not to friendly towards some usergroups..... just bare in mind that I got this one from a Australian woman...
What is the difference between a battery and a woman ????
[size=4pt]At least the battery has got a positive side....[/size] :lol:
Gr.Koen
What is the difference between a battery and a woman ????
[size=4pt]At least the battery has got a positive side....[/size] :lol:
Gr.Koen
Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control
in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced,
I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was
able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will
fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions
that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has
set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will
pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm
looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to
the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know
where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to
bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and
moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an
issue.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working
I will insist on taking it apart -- despite evidence that
this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person
gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and
no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would
you listen to a complete stranger -- how the heck could HE
know where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I
liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of
it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when
Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I
have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his
picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or
how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his
grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this
fascinating.
in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced,
I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was
able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will
fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions
that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has
set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will
pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm
looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to
the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know
where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to
bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and
moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an
issue.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working
I will insist on taking it apart -- despite evidence that
this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person
gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and
no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would
you listen to a complete stranger -- how the heck could HE
know where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I
liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of
it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when
Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I
have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his
picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or
how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his
grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this
fascinating.
[quote author=Koengaroo link=topic=3790.msg48131#msg48131 date=1139986392]
Awaiting your quick reply as usual... :rotflmao:
Gr.Koen
[/quote]
Don't make me take out my NEGATIVE side :evil: !!
Didn't you like my jokes? They are called sar-cas-tic . If you need more explaining, let me know! :roll:
Awaiting your quick reply as usual... :rotflmao:
Gr.Koen
[/quote]
Don't make me take out my NEGATIVE side :evil: !!
Didn't you like my jokes? They are called sar-cas-tic . If you need more explaining, let me know! :roll:
OK Sara let me come to your rescue.
Rita Rudner's Facts About Men
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates it can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, B) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget, he didn't lose your number, he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
Men forget everything; women remember everything.
That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
All men would still really like to own a train set.
Rita Rudner's Facts About Men
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates it can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, B) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget, he didn't lose your number, he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
Men forget everything; women remember everything.
That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
All men would still really like to own a train set.