For everyone who feels like telling jokes (in English)....

[quote author=Koengaroo link=topic=3790.msg48143#msg48143 date=1139992521]
@Sara.... it's a bit of a pitty that you need the help of a man to get your point accross.... :| :lol:

Gr.Koen
[/quote]

Koen, it's a pity men can't take help when it is offered. We make the best out of every situation and as long as we come out looking good, I am not ashamed to thank anyone for help offered.  :evil:
 
[quote author=sarabaes link=topic=3790.msg48136#msg48136 date=1139990933]Thanks a lot Landmiles!  :up: [/quote]

Always there to save a Damsel in Distress  :)

@Koen, there's something you must know...

lesbian_biker.jpg
 
@Landmiles.... Thanks for sharing mate, I already thought you were Unique.... :up: :lol1:

@Sara.....
We make the best out of every situation and as long as we come out looking good, I am not ashamed to thank anyone for help offered
Click to expand...

Now how says you come out looking good????

:eek:fftopic: :spam: @ All.... sorry for going of topic, it will not happen again.

Now to go back on topic :

What is the difference between aids (HIV) and a dumb blonde????


Answer will follow later...

Gr.Koen
 
[quote author=Koengaroo link=topic=3790.msg48158#msg48158 date=1139994988]


What is the difference between aids (HIV) and a dumb blonde????


Answer will follow later...

Gr.Koen
[/quote]

you can get rid of a dumb blonde, but not of HIV????  :-o
 
@Sara nice one... but no....  :|

Aids develops........ Blondes don't.  :evil: :cool:

By the way why does't a dumb blond have smoke for more than 15 minutes???

Cause after 15 minute you will have to train them to do the job again.....  :cool: :-D

Gr.Koen
 
Two dumb men go hunting. Soon they get separated and, as often happens, one mistakes the other for a deer and shoots him.

After much effort he drags his buddy from the woods, throws him in the 4x4 and takes him to the nearest hospital.

"Will he be all right?" the worried hunter asks the doctor.

"It's hard to say," says the doctor. "But it would have been better if you hadn't gutted and skinned him."


:evil: Sara
 
Yeah! Enough with the dumb blonde jokes.

Two dumb men go hunting. But one of them had a bad night so, when he sits over a big log to take a dump, he falls asleep. The other one, always a joker, just shot and gutted a deer, sees his sleeping friend still sitting with his bare butt over the big log and decides it'd be funny to throw the guts behind him.

A bit later, he sees the other one coming out of the woods, a bit pale but with a determined look on his face. What happened, he asks, surpressing a big grin. Well, says the other one, I took a dump over there... and discovered that I've shitten all of my bowels out!!!

But, I didn't hesitate a second and pushed them all back inside!!!


Soon they get separated and, as often happens, one mistakes the other for a deer and shoots him.
Click to expand...
Thinking of dumb men... Cheney?

[quote author=Koengaroo link=topic=3790.msg48158#msg48158 date=1139994988]Now how says you come out looking good???? [/quote]
A girl will always make sure to look good! You've got to love 'em!
 
[quote author=landmiles link=topic=3790.msg48178#msg48178 date=1139998920]
[quote author=Koengaroo link=topic=3790.msg48158#msg48158 date=1139994988]Now how says you come out looking good???? [/quote]
A girl will always make sure to look good! You've got to love 'em!
[/quote]

I am beginning to like you more and more, Landmiles! Koen, you should take an example of him!  :up:

Great joke by the way!
 
@Sara,  Sorry but that will not happen, we are very different, we are unique in our own ways.  :-D

Gr.Koen
 
[quote author=Koengaroo link=topic=3790.msg48182#msg48182 date=1139999576]
@Sara,  Sorry but that will not happen, we are very different, we are unique in our own ways.   :-D

Gr.Koen
[/quote]

A typical male answer ..... but I like it!  :-D

S
 
:cheer: :cheer: YIPPIE :dancing: She Likes  :dancing: the answer of :happy: a male... Whoooohooo  :happy:

Thanks Sara, you have no idea what that means to me... :wink:

Gr.Koen
 
Hi all,

Wasn't online yesterday, I see I missed some fun!  :-D

Just got this e-mail in from a friend, think it carries on the theme quite nicely  :-D.  PS.  If anyone is offended by any of the text, just let me know and I'll edit it  :up:


THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER

8.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.

8.30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday.

8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants, open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.

9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.

10.00 Light workout at club with handsome funny personal trainer.

10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.

12.00 Lunch with best friend at a fashionable outdoor cafe.

12.45 Catch site of husbands/boyfriend's ex and notice she's gained 30lbs.

1.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.

3.00 Nap.

4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from a secret admirer.

4.15 Light workout at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.

5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full-length mirror.

7.30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with complements received from other diners/dancers.

10.00 Hot shower (Alone).

10.50 Carried to bed...... (Freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen).

11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.

11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.



THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM

6.00 Alarm

6.15 Blow job.

6.30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sport section.

7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler.

7.30 Limo arrives.

7.45 Flight in personal Lear jet.

9.15 Limo to Mirage resort golf club (Blow job on route).

9.45 Play front nine - 2 under par.

11.45 Lunch: pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.

12.15 Blow job.

12.30 Play back nine - 4 under par.

2.15 Limo back to the airport - Several bourbons.

2.30 Fly to Cairns.

3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude whom also bend over a lot displaying growlers.

4.30 Land world record Marlin (1123lbs) - on light tackle.

5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bending over... naturally).

6.45 Shit, shower, shave.

7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; marijuana and hard porn legalised.

7.30 Dinner: lobster appetiser, Dom Perignon 1953, big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a pair of big tits.

9.00 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies..... some bending over).

11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with pizza snacks, cleansing ale and a blow job.

11.45 In bed alone.

11.50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.

12.00 Spend 10 minutes laughing before falling to sleep.
 
WILE E. COYOTE, Plaintiff
v.s.
THE ACME COMPANY, INC., Defendant

In the United States District Court,
Southwestern District,
Tempe, Arizona

Case No. B191294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding

Plaintiff, Mr. Wiley E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.
Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Worker's Compensation.
Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to
stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along his path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to do so, due to poorly designed steering and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.
Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs.
Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of rocket skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.
Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of the Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered into evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiraling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the bird seed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.
In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparation to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:
1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck and muzzle.
2. Sooty discoloration.
3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise.
4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration.
5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.
We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed into a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.
To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him.
Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release. At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.
The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time.
A sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways replacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues -- a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.
As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to distrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.
Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
Total damages: thirty-eight million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.
 
An Irish priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for
a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says, "No".

He baits the hook for the priest and says, "Give it a shot, Father." After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it into the boat. The fisherman catches a glimpse of it and says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!"

The priest says,  "Uh, please, the Lord is watching would you please mind your language?"

"I'm sorry father," says the fisherman, thinking quickly, "but that's what this fish is called - a fucker!"

"Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know," the priest replies.

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Look at this big fucker, Bishop."

Shocked, the bishop says, "Please, mind your language; this is a house
of God."

"No, you don't  understand," explains the priest, "that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this fucker!"

"Hmmm. You know, I could clean this fucker and we could have it for dinner!" exclaims the bishop. So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the Mother Superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.

"My lord, what language!" she says.

"No, Sister," he explains "that's what the fish is called - a fucker! Father caught the fucker, I cleaned the fucker, and we'd like you to cook the fucker."

Relieved, Mother Superior says, "Sure. I'll cook that fucker tonight."

That night, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of  them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it. "I caught the fucker!" the priest cries  proudly. "And I cleaned the fucker!"cries the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" finished the Mother Superior.

There's absolute silence, and the Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, lights up a fag, pours himself a large whisky and says,"You know what? You blokes are alright."
 
I do know of a guy who went hunting with his good friend, the vicar. A duck flies up and the guy shoots... and the duck flies on. "Damn, missed 'em!" the man grunts. "Mind your language," the vicar says, "it's not appreciated". 

So the man apologizes and they walk on. Another duck flies up, the man shoots again... nothing. Aggravated, the man snaps out "Damn, missed 'em!!!". The vicar responds "Don't use that kind of language, or the good Lord might strike you by lightning next time!"

But as you can imagine, a third duck flies, the man shoots and misses. "Damn!!! Missed 'em!" and the clouds open, a large bolt of lightning strikes and pulverizes the vicar, leaving only his two smoking shoes. And a thundering voice from the clouds sounds: "DAMN!!! MISSED 'EM!!!"
 
40 things you've always wanted to say out loud at work...

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to publicly humiliate yourself.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.


6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind at the moment, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here - I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I don't understand a damn word you're saying.


10. Ahhh. I see the stuff-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision - I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny assed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a f-ing people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. Oh, I get it. Like humour. Only different.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume, but must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is finally done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun.

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.

40. Wait a minute - I'm just trying to imagine you with a personality
 
[quote author=sarabaes link=topic=3790.msg50211#msg50211 date=1141374142]
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
[/quote]

WHAHA  :-D
 
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