For everyone who feels like telling jokes (in English)....
- Thread starter landmiles
- Start date
Things NOT to tell to a police officer:
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
Are You Andy or Barney?
Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight.
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?": "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
What? You need a license to drive?
Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!
Is your power a penis substitute?
Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.
Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.
Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?
A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind.
I pay your salary!
Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?
Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal.
Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?
You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me.
In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?
Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either.
Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut.
Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?
Do you have any idea who you're talking to?
There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.
What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really, there is no blood in my alchohol.
That uniform makes your ass look really big.
You don't happen to have any beer in your car?
I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?
and last but not least:
Talk to the hand!!!
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
Are You Andy or Barney?
Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight.
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?": "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
What? You need a license to drive?
Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!
Is your power a penis substitute?
Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.
Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.
Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?
A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind.
I pay your salary!
Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?
Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal.
Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?
You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me.
In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?
Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either.
Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut.
Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?
Do you have any idea who you're talking to?
There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.
What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really, there is no blood in my alchohol.
That uniform makes your ass look really big.
You don't happen to have any beer in your car?
I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?
and last but not least:
Talk to the hand!!!
mariekske
New Member
Ha ha, now wer'e on the subject, I have a joke (or... actually, it is not a joke but a fact)... haha
WHY CAN'T MEN PARK A CAR IN REVERSE IN A CUE?????
Because they think this: --------------------------------- is 20 centimeter!!!!
(use your hand, place your thumb and pointingvinger approx. 5 cm from each other)
oftewel: waarom kunnen mannen niet achteruit inparkeren?
omdat ze denken dat dit: -------------------------------- 20 centimeter is...
(houd duim en wijsvinger enkele centimeters uit elkaar)
GRTS, Mariekske
WHY CAN'T MEN PARK A CAR IN REVERSE IN A CUE?????
Because they think this: --------------------------------- is 20 centimeter!!!!
(use your hand, place your thumb and pointingvinger approx. 5 cm from each other)
oftewel: waarom kunnen mannen niet achteruit inparkeren?
omdat ze denken dat dit: -------------------------------- 20 centimeter is...
(houd duim en wijsvinger enkele centimeters uit elkaar)
GRTS, Mariekske
BlizzardofOz
XPdite Sponsor
Deze stond vandaag op het Sam And The City blog van de Sydney Morning Herald http://blogs.smh.com.au/samandthecity/
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City,
where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors
and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor,
or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking
and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: .
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous,
help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
A New Wives store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City,
where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors
and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor,
or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking
and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: .
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous,
help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
A New Wives store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited
Time for another blonde joke.
A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The blond paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house with them."
A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The blond paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house with them."
Gelukkig dan maar weer... blij om het te weten. Niettemin:
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning .. uphill BOTH ways. through year 'round blizzards. Carrying their younger siblings on their backs ... to their one-room schoolhouse, where they maintained a Straight-A average, despite their full- time, after-school job at the local textile mill .... where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that...
I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter .. with a Pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
And talk of about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to steal it from your brother or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one
screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and fast er and faster until you died! ... Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 5 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday
Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up .. we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire . imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning .. uphill BOTH ways. through year 'round blizzards. Carrying their younger siblings on their backs ... to their one-room schoolhouse, where they maintained a Straight-A average, despite their full- time, after-school job at the local textile mill .... where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that...
I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter .. with a Pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
And talk of about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to steal it from your brother or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one
screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and fast er and faster until you died! ... Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 5 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday
Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up .. we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire . imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCrery Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I!!
And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it; I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!"
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCrery Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I!!
And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it; I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!"
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes:
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling Choir performance, followed by a thunderous Prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and I put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did! What an up-lifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is . . . and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that lots of people loved Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, Go!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach." I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson, who was sitting in the back seat, what it meant, and he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, or ask me what Church I attended. But this is when I noticed the light had changed to yellow. So I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling Choir performance, followed by a thunderous Prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and I put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did! What an up-lifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is . . . and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that lots of people loved Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, Go!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach." I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson, who was sitting in the back seat, what it meant, and he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, or ask me what Church I attended. But this is when I noticed the light had changed to yellow. So I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Laughs from Employee Performance Evaluations
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from federal government employee performance evaluations (apparently).
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
28. "One neuron short of a synapse."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from federal government employee performance evaluations (apparently).
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
28. "One neuron short of a synapse."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Koengaroo
XPdite Sponsor
Hoi Allemaal,
Ik heb een boekje gekregen van mijn zus met daarin uitspraken in het Engels gemaakt door Nederlanders.
Het boekje heet: I always get my sin; Het bizarre engles van Nederlanders.
Ik wil jullie dit niet onthouden, veel lees plezier…..!
1. I always get my sin
2. I thank you from the bottom of my heart and also from my wife’s bottom.
3. May I thank you cock for a lovely dinner?
4. I don’t want to fall with the door in house.
5. How do you do and how do you do your wife?
6. We have to look further than our nose is long
7. Because it is clear that it can so not longer.
8. What do you?
9. There are a lot of hotemetotes.
10. I am the first women secretary from the inside….
11. And I am having my first period.
12. I could not find the head entrance
13. My family and I lived many years in the outside world.
14. You did more for the company in the past than we did in the recent future.
15. I fock horses… Pardon… ja paarden.
16. She worked hardly
17. I was very focused on my fuck (lees als vak)
18. She is not the first the best.
19. He had it not standing in his diarrhea.
20. But he is under way…..
En zo zijn er nog meer… maar die komen later….
Koen
Ik heb een boekje gekregen van mijn zus met daarin uitspraken in het Engels gemaakt door Nederlanders.
Het boekje heet: I always get my sin; Het bizarre engles van Nederlanders.
Ik wil jullie dit niet onthouden, veel lees plezier…..!
1. I always get my sin
2. I thank you from the bottom of my heart and also from my wife’s bottom.
3. May I thank you cock for a lovely dinner?
4. I don’t want to fall with the door in house.
5. How do you do and how do you do your wife?
6. We have to look further than our nose is long
7. Because it is clear that it can so not longer.
8. What do you?
9. There are a lot of hotemetotes.
10. I am the first women secretary from the inside….
11. And I am having my first period.
12. I could not find the head entrance
13. My family and I lived many years in the outside world.
14. You did more for the company in the past than we did in the recent future.
15. I fock horses… Pardon… ja paarden.
16. She worked hardly
17. I was very focused on my fuck (lees als vak)
18. She is not the first the best.
19. He had it not standing in his diarrhea.
20. But he is under way…..
En zo zijn er nog meer… maar die komen later….
Koen
Wise advice from kids
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair - Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14
10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. - Mitchell, 12
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. - Andrew, 9
12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9
13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9
14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, 11
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, 15
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10
18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13
19. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair - Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14
10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. - Mitchell, 12
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. - Andrew, 9
12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9
13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9
14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, 11
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, 15
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10
18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13
19. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8
Scutch
New Member
Voted best Irish joke of 2006!
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
